Why stalking people on Facebook can lead to Failure

Don't stalk people on Facebook. Why? Here are my reasons.

1. You begin to look for something to make you sad. If there isn't anything on the surface that you see.... you keep digging and digging and digging....

2. Um can you really get mad at some guy for kissing some random chick in the year 2008? That's right... you should know better than that.

3. Just because someone keeps popping up on some guy's "frequently viewed friends" doesn't actually mean they are frequently viewing their page.... or does it???!!! Hmmm....

4. You have too much time on your hands. It is not a good sign when you are calling people to ask them to stalk someone for you either. I'm sorry, unless you pay me/give me a REALLY good reason as to why I should keep tabs on someone...I'm not going to do it.

I go my own people to stalk :)

Things I have been thinking about....

1. OLIVE GARDEN: Okay seriously..... I have told like 30+ people about how I want/need to go to Olive Garden soon, or else I might die and guess what?! No one got the hint. Olive Garden is not a place I can just go by myself too! And I most definitively cannot get take out!!!! How else would I be able to make them refill the little bread stick basket 4 times?! People do you have any heart at all!!!

2. WORK: I theorize that there is a group of people at work called the "NFK", the No Fun Klan, and this klan has decided that I cause too much of a disturbance in my wing, thus I shall be exiled to another building. Don't get me wrong, this other building has a lot more stuff for me to play, but I can't help but wonder if this is some sort of bigger plot to try and break my spirit. Case in point: I expertly arranged my samples on Friday so that they would be easy to find on Monday. Well.... someone decided to take half of my samples and hid them. So now I have to stay an extra 2 days over there to try and figure out what to do. PLUS: I know someone from the NFK is getting into my chocolate stash back at the office. I know who you are....

3. SHERLOCK HOLMES, EH?! I have just figured out that I make my life more complicated by refusing to ask people easy questions in order so that I can utilize my "detective skills" in order to figure out the answer. This has never actually worked in my favor, however, because the other person usually becomes suspicious when I start vanishing and reappearing constantly for weeks. They are usually like "Hey dude, you are being WAY shady... what's up?" and of course I can't tell them that I am actually trying to figure out something stupid so I usually reply with "Shady?! Me??? Never..... just been really busy with thesis/work/plotting evil schemes/baking/reading a book/trying to figure out why that Jersey Shore show is still popular?" And so goes the vicious cycle until I figure out the answer/give up.

4. ADULT TOPICS: Since I am technically an "adult" I often ponder about these topics: How come Mrs. Fields cookies taste so much better then Great American Cookies? What is it about the word "pumpkin" that automatically makes me think about cuddly kittens on top of fluffy rainbows with chocolate sprinkles? Why does guacamole always taste better with a margarita? Why is it not acceptable to wear a sweatband around your head at work? Why can't Olive Garden have a drive thru like McDonalds? Why is the color brown even a color?

I'm actually going to write this time because my iphone sucks and I hate it and its lousy picture quality......

I was at work today and became aware of a startling new fact that has been plaguing my mind. Well.... okay I guess I had realized this earlier on my own, but it is so different when it is pointed out to you by someone else! I was talking to someone at work today when the realization of "Oh, you are basically the only single girl I know..... so what's going on in your life?" Now, usually I would not care about this realization because I'm cool with what I'm doing in life. HOWEVER--- I started to think about all of my younger girlfriends that I work with. They are either married/engaged/ dating someone for the past 11 billionzillioninfinity years! I can't even live in the same place for 2 years without getting antsy! Now, I know this is a situation that many females experience at some point in there lives, but for some reason the last two hours of my work day were filled with emo-centric antics that went something like this:

1. I found my secret stash of chocolate cookies, brownies, bars, hard candies, lollipops that I had been saving for when I was wanting to be emo and get fat all at the same time. Of course I can't sit still at my desk, so I was walking around to other people's desks with a huge chocolate bar in my hand talking like this

Me: Whatcha doing? [huge bite out of chocolate bar] I'm walCCCCRRRRUUUNNNCCCHHH yum!!!

Other people: Um...Okay? I'm just doing my work like you should be doing.

Me: [another huge bite] CCCCCRRRRUUUNNNCCCCHHH..... see I'm cool! Who wouldn't want to hang out with the chick that has piles of chocolate hidden in her desk??????

Other people: .....what are you talking about?

Me: CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

2. Obviously after you eat that much chocolate in a short amount of time you kinda go into a sugar coma. Then I became like this

I need to listen to Death Cab for Cutie nnnnnnnnnoooooooooooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww sssssssllllllleeeeeeeeeeepppppppyyyyyyyyyyyy...........

3. Then the dreaded third stage: bitterness. I just started acting all bitter and telling everyone that I hated people.... you know, the usual. Then I stormed out of work like I was on some kind of mission and drove past Best Buy THREE TIMES before I finally figured out where the entrance to that shopping center was.

Moral of the story: Now that I have come back down to my "normal" self I have decided that I am, in fact, completely fine with the fact that I am different from others around me. I mean if I was married I couldn't/wouldn't dance outside in the parking lot when I get my favorite parking spot, or spend a lot of time working on my thesis (aka: coloring on random pieces of paper with Crayons), or having serious conversations in my head about why McDonald's french fries are a thousand times better than all other french fries, or trying to figure out creative ways of how to make people at work smile/laugh when they are feeling down, or get super mad at Best Buy for not having the CD that I want..... I DON'T CARE IF THAT CD CAME OUT IN 2003, YOU SELL MUSIC DON'T YOU????? OBVIOUSLY I DON'T WANT TO BUY IT ON THE INTERNET.... THAT IS WHY I CAME HERE!!!!

..........

Who am I kidding..... I would still do all that stuff.

Why Men are Stupid in Relationships

This is actually an older list that I wrote during one of my MBA classes (yayy for paying attention!). I just added my copyright symbol (IV). But yeah.... I witnessed/heard this happens all the time. Although as cruel as this might sound.... I do think it is kinda funny. If you want him to pick a side (dating you, not dating you) then communicate that to him. You don't want to? That's because you already know the answer....and it is not the answer you want.

The "Why We Can't Be Friends" questionnaire

Therapy session 1.

Why Romantic Movies are Hurting the World!!

Yes, I know this is dramatic. Yes, I know this is depressing.... but still!! The movie industry gets in trouble for inaccurately depicting historical events, so why can't they get in trouble for inaccurately depicting life! Well.... I guess there could be one person out there where there life is like a fairy tale. No.... no there can't!!! GRRRR....

Sorry for the bitterness ( and the pink picture?!)

Why crazy people should not work with sane people

Obviously... I was at work when I wrote this (hence the keyboard and mouse). I still get a pang of anxiety every time someone puts food on my desk..... you can never be too careful people!! I had to throw away my "throwing stars" because I accidentally tore open my thumb with one of them and bled all over some very important paperwork. I still have the red cape.... I mean "blanket" at my desk just in case I need to showcase how business-like I am!!!

Selected quotes from "one night stand"

THIS STILL MAKES ME MAD. K, I feel better. Stupid boy.

So you want to date my friend application (SYWTDMYA)

No joke.... I actually had people want me to e-mail them a copy of this application after I posted it on Facebook. It is totally legit. What better way to find out someones true intentions.

P.S. #8 is a quote from Anchorman. I thought most people would get that, but I guess not.

How to deal with girls... Part I

P.S. To make these pictures bigger.... all you have to do is double click on the picture. I just found that out. If you have never read The Watchmen you should.... like now..... like stop reading this and go to Barnes and Nobel and buy it.... It will probably change your life (no it won't, but you should still read it) K, thanks bye!

The reason you should never have a crush on someone who works at Starbucks

**UPDATE** I am so excited to announce that "anonymous" here is currently actually dating the Starbucks guy! I KNOW!!!!! It's so crazy! He is super sweet and treats her really well. So I guess I'm not THAT bitter about gaining 15 lbs from all those Starbucks drinks :)

How to avoid a creeper at work

Ah, yes..... creepers. Why are they everywhere?! More importantly, why are they at work?! Work is supposed to be a safe environment.... right?

How men and women talk to each other

This was a request from a fellow that I was interning with. It's kinda depressing. Mostly, I would like to think that these types of conversations happen at a bar, not on a first date. That would be horrifying! So if your conversation with someone begins to go down this path.... please run away! Or call me.... I'll save you!

How Females Talk to Each other....

I had to make it fair. I know. How dare I publish what women actually talk to their girlfriends about. Now this is not an all encompassing diagram. Women are very versatile. We can pretty much talk about anything....as long as we get to talk and share our feelings about men at some point.

How men talk to one another....

I was lucky enough to have some input on this one. Since I drew this..... I have found it to be more and more accurate. Sometimes (and this is only on VERY rare occasions) I have actually heard a dude admit to another dude that some chick hurt his feelings (FEELINGS!!!!!!) I know! I was impressed too. I need to mention that I have only really witnessed this once out of my 23 years of being on this earth..... BUT IT HAPPENED! So my assumption is.... that dude is probably married now.

Now let me explain.....

First off..... yes, I am aware these are amateur drawings done on lined notebook paper.... That's what makes them special. But seriously, most of these ideas come to me when I can't write them on a computer (read: work, while in bed and too lazy to go get the computer, while waiting for my friend to get her Starbucks coffee...) thus, they were written in a notebook and then photographed by my iphone.

I used to put these on Facebook, but because of some new issues that arose (read: mother scolding) I have now moved them here!

No, I am not trying to be funny with any of these posts. This is actually how I think about stuff (as crazy as that may be). And yes... the situations presented in these posts actually happened.

If you are nice.... I might even draw you a picture (muahaha).

Much Love,

IV